Back to School

I went back to school yesterday and was in class all day - I am very pleased with myself - it is a huge achievement. I really enjoyed it and I have a lovely class of children - 10 boys and 10 girls - so not a whole class under normal circumstances but they are my class at the moment. New children are joining all the time, I had two new additions to my class yesterday - 1 boy and 1 girl.

Many people came to find me to see how I was getting on and if I was coping. The majority of people are so kind and thoughtful. I thought I was going to find it more difficult especially given the bad news about my Dad on Tuesday. He wants us all to be positive and to carry on as he is doing himself so bravely. I was at the hospital with him so I volunteered to 'phone everyone to let them know the news. That was how I spent Tuesday evening.

I have a couple of hours at home today to recuperate from yesterday and my class are in the trusted hands of our regular supply teacher who is wonderful. She met them yesterday so they will be fine and I've left some lovely work for them to do. I think I would rather bank her time as I don't think I need it as much now as I will later on when I've been teaching a few weeks and parents' evening is looming. Hopefully my Head will agree.

Blood test first thing this morning - my husband and I both had to go - a nice little trip out together. We arrived at the hospital at 7.30am and there were already 68 people queuing before us. We were seen at 8.45am so not too bad. Hubby seems to be getting better every day and he is driving now as well so he can occupy himself better.

My youngest son went back to school today looking very smart as usual on his first day. He'll moan when he sees he has an appointment with the careers officer on his half day next week. All sons at home at the moment so it's all a bit busy here at home - nice though.

I have to make some 'phone calls now for my Dad and for my Access to Work. Oh and I've been ironing and dog walking and driving and washing and... must be careful not to overdo it.

A whole week!

So much for my resolution writing more often, I've left it a whole week this time. Where to start? On Saturday I had to travel to London for one of my pain management group sessions. As always it was very useful. But is a long day and the journey is tiring. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I went into school for a couple of hours each day to familiarise myself with school, my classroom, the people, and the journey there. On Wednesday my son rearranged the room for me and finished off any lifting or carrying so that on Thursday and Friday I was able to go into school on my own and get my brain back into school.
We've been food shopping again, very slow. I have visited my sister and my mum and dad stop I think I find five shirts and I have done loads of washing. Hubby and I have walked the dog very slowly a few times. Today we had to queue for the uniform shop as my son needed a new blazer. I picked my other son up from the station with his stuff and then took my other son to have his hair cut and buy new shoes for school.
I can't remember what else I've done and now I'm feeling tired – it's my first day at school tomorrow.

Thursday - Monday

Oops I've left it too long again and now I'm going to have to really think about what I've done. I've finished the Maths paper and emailed it off so I'm really pleased about that. I read it again this morning and found a couple of things I would add or change but it's one of those things that I could keep adding to and changing so I have to let it go. I'm free now to think about school work for this week. It's Bank Holiday Monday today; I've hung some washing out and collected the pears that have fallen from the tree - that takes so long and so much effort. I'm just about to iron some shirts - I wonder how many I'll manage. Hubby wants me to take him to drop something off and do a little bit of food shopping - it's strange that he can't drive at the moment - I wonder how long it will be? He is so much better already but he's still bruised and a bit swollen so he's being sensible and taking things slowly.

I had to take my lovely car to the dealer on Friday; it was recalled because some have been found to have a loose steering wheel bolt. That was a lot of effort as I had to walk into town, did a bit of clothes shopping and get the bus home. As soon as I'd reached home the dealer rang to say my car was ready to pick up - typical. I got 2 buses back so that I didn't have to walk far and they'd cleaned my car inside and out too - lovely.

I took hubby food shopping on Saturday and we bought quite a lot - he was even slower than me walking round and I had to pack the shopping into bags - it all took ages but we did it. We asked my son to get the bags from the boot of the car; that was a bridge too far. The cricket has been on TV so we've watched that which takes up all day. It rained all day on Saturday, ad I mean rained - it didn't stop. Some towns nearby were flooded for the first time in years it was that bad.

I helped my son clean out next door's guinea pigs while they're away. They are sweet, but bigger than I thought they'd be. They squeak a lot and love their food. I've done my mindful stretching exercises every day in the morning, they really do help to get me going. The pain has been bad but I've been trying the mindful exercises so that I'm trying to just acknowledge the pain and not get annoyed, sad, upset by it. It still hurts as much but I feel more in control I suppose. It's difficult to unpick all the feelings.

Right, I really must try not to leave it so long to write although the days fly past and I don't realise it's been so many days. In a way perhaps that's a good sign that I'm not constantly consciously thinking about my pain and I do forget to write. Right, where's that iron?

Saturday - Tuesday

Well first, a big achievement is that I haven't opened my laptop - no checking emails, work -nothing. That's partly because hubby had a hernia operation on Saturday, very time consuming. He's doing well and can now make himself breakfast and a cuppa. I had my hair cut and finished on Monday; always tiring. I did a little bit of shopping for clothes while I was In town. I took the dog to have his nails clipped yesterday with the help of my son. I've been to the doctors and chemist a couple of times - poor hubby. I've done a few loads of washing and made several phone calls. I bought a new telephone yesterday and am busy setting that up. I missed my mindful stretches twice which felt really strange - I need to make them a priority; did them this morning.

I had to drive there and back to the hospital twice on Saturday so that was a lot of driving. My son put some petrol in my car for me. I've been food shopping a few times. I've ironed a couple of shirts and vacuumed once. I picked blackberries in our garden and made a tart which we ate with custard - much tastier that I thought it would be. Today I need to try to finish the maths or at least nearly - it's beginning to bug me now and I want to send it off.

Wednesday to Friday

Had a cuppa & a chat with The In-Laws - very pleasant 2 hours. Ironed 5 shirts. Walked dog once for 20 minutes. Visited Dad & sister for a total of 5 hours. Did food shopping, that was tiring and I had to stop once and hold on and breathe. Stretching exercises every day. Hung washing out a couple of times. Made a few phone calls which I find tiring. Paid deposit on new bathroom. Bit more shopping. Bit more Maths work.

Gosh doesn't sound much when I write it down but it's all pretty tiring.

A few more days

I feel a lot better than I did on 8th August. Who am I to question pain, life, Earth, The Universe? It really isn't helpful to let negative thoughts in - if thoughts are like buses then I need to choose the ones I engage with and let the others pass by. It's hard to do this and it needs effort, which when you're suffering in pain is hard. I need to know what I need to do when I realise the blanket of negative buses is descending.
So, I've ironed 5 shirts, taken the dog for 2x 20 minute walks, attended a hospital appointment, visited Mum & Dad, made 2 dates for tea & chat, completed more Maths work, had a new boiler fitted, applied for a loan, considered my Sky package, cleaned a window, filed my course notes, read a whole book 400 pages, made a timetable of red, amber and green activities for September, checked emails every day, and mindful stretching exercises every day.

I need to record achievements more frequently otherwise it's too much effort to try to remember what I've done.

5 Days

I have realised I haven't written for 5 days...that's a long time. Have I really had no achievements in those days? Let me try to remember:-
I ironed some shirts, maybe 3, can't remember what day.
British Gas visited and quoted for a new boiler, he was here for ages but we got the quote in the end and it was pretty much what we had guessed. Their finance package is good so we paid a deposit and booked an appointment, really soon too.
We could then confirm with the bathroom shop that we accepted their quote for a lovely new bathroom with a power shower - just what I need. I could've done with a power shower this morning. So that appointment is also now booked. We've got to pay the deposit for that this week.
Took the dog out for a 20 minute walk once.
Did a bit of research for my maths task.
Read 100 pages of a book my son recommended to me.
Hung out a few loads of washing, can't remember how many exactly.
Washed my hair today - always a tiring task.
Had my annual contact lens check and two yearly eye check, that is sooo tiring... I must have had every test imaginable and the end result was that everything is ok and no change.
Oh yes, and I've done 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises every morning. It's kind of good that I'm forgetting that I do these as it means it's becoming part of my routine without having to think about it. I've read that getting into routines helps free up brain space because you don't have to think about it. I need all the brain space I can get.
Erm...that's 5 days worth of achievements, I suppose there are some good achievements with CRPS in there. I'm feeling depressed and guilty that I feel depressed because I've got no reason to feel depressed which is making it worse. I keep telling myself to think positively and embrace each moment but it's not that simple. I have a huge, thick, dark blanket over me and I can't just shrug it off. It's not rational, or reasonable - it's suffocating.
I'm trying really hard to appear normal, whatever that is, but I know I've snapped and grumped. I want to do something but I don't know what I want to do so I can't do it.
That's why I'm going to see my sister today, I'm hoping that will help me shift the blanket. The weather is sunny so that helps me a bit. I'll pop into see my Dad, that should help too.
I'm thinking I might need to ask for more medication because my arm and chest are painful more and more and I know I don't have to put up with it but I'm frightened to increase medication as it seems I never decrease it. I could try taking extra paracetamol first, I could take an occasional co-codamol, that shouldn't affect me too badly.

Decision

I have decided that I can't write my blog every day and I shouldn't feel bad if I don't. After all, it's all about achievements, it's supposed to be a positive exercise. The thing is, I'm having real difficulty being non judgemental. I can see all the good reasons why being non judgemental is helpful and that I need to strive for it every day. I need to make a conscious effort all the time to avoid making judgments and also to see the difference between a fact and a judgment. I remember a few years ago now, a university lecture all about what goes without saying. So true. There are so many things that I take for granted and accept without even thinking about them because that's how it is, that's how it's always been, that's the only way it can be... So not true - so needs to be challenged.

So this is me, making a conscious effort to challenge all those things that go without saying and making constant judgements. If I can stop making judgments all the time then perhaps I can enjoy each moment for its simplicity. I'm here, sometimes I wonder why I'm here, I often wonder why I've got CRPS and at the moment this electricity shooting up and down my left arm and chest, but I am here and most of the time it's good and pleasant and I should enjoy every moment of it.

Aagh

My arm is still hurting and is getting worse. It feels like an electric shock starting in my fingers and then travelling up my arm and across my chest. It really stops me in my tracks and takes a while to ease enough to be able to continue what I'm doing. It feels like if I touch someone they will surely be able to feel the electricity but my hubby and son say they can't feel it. I take painkillers and focus on my breathing.

It has stopped me a bit but I'm determined it won't stop me too much. I vacuumed all downstairs today. My son moved the furniture and also helped. I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises including the ones on my front. I went to Tesco with hubby and did the weekly shopping - I only had to sit down once. I hung the washing on the line when the thunderstorms had gone.
I feel so much better every day - the rest is definitely working.

Later, though, I didn't feel too good at all - I'd used up all my spoons and borrowed some from tomorrow - I must remember about pacing, it is important and I keep forgetting that this is my life now. When I feel well I forget that I've got CRPS and that means I'm not able to do all the things at once anymore. I can still do all the things I want to do but I need to spread them evenly taking care of my daily allowance of spoons and being mindful.

This post really shows how up and down Rollercoaster CRPS is and therefore how mindful of pacing I need to be...

Spoon theory = http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Maths

Today I travelled on the tube to the Institute of Education. I was sitting down all the way there and it's not far to walk from the station. I remembered to catch a bus to the station which meant I wasn't tired by the time I got there.
There were more people there than I thought there would be, they came from all over the country. The people I spoke to were all interesting and there was a lovely lunch and an interesting task.
I travelled home on the tube. It was quite a tiring day because there were lots of new people and I had to concentrate on the discussion and demonstration as well as talking to people.

Not yet though

Writing this at 7:45pm so I haven't started writing my blog after my mindful stretching exercises yet. I was in a bit of a rush this morning - I still did one load of washing and hung it out. And I still did my mindful stretching exercises for 25 minutes. I really have trouble getting going without them, they help so much. I drove to work and worked all day sorting through papers and things, finding a new home for everything. When I left my classroom all the surfaces were absolutely clear so that the cleaners can have a good old clean. It was a good feeling as I closed the door knowing how tidy it is. That's a big achievement. My son was a super star - he lifted , moved, shredded, binned... all to my command. He also helped other teachers with their boxes and furniture. We threw out 6 black bags full and a collection of boxes. I bought him a takeaway and said thank you a million times.
We're both tired now..
But I did quite a long day and worked quite hard and I feel so much better now. I need to write my flare-up plan.
Oh yes... I also opened the cards and gifts the children left for me. I'm always overwhelmed by the generosity of the gifts and the beautiful words written in the cards. I'll set a time to write each single one of them a Thank You note and deliver them by hand. No flowers or wine which is perfect for me and a little bit of chocolate which is also perfect.
Oh yes...and we celebrated my son's 21st birthday yesterday. Perfect.
Did I mention we celebrated my sister's 50th birthday too? It's her birthday today and she is in The Grand in Brighton with a sea view and afternoon tea. Lovely. She loves the Spoon theory and has shared it with others.
Just phoned my Dad, he seems in better spirits today partly because he's finished the antibiotics and can drink Guinness again.

More Positive

Ok. There's stuff going on with my employer and it has been upsetting me. I have sent an email outlining my concerns and I immediately felt a bit better. I have avoided checking my emails because that's what set me off again this morning. I sent a short email yesterday putting forward my suggestion and when there was no response when I checked this morning I got upset. So I'm not going to check my emails until tomorrow morning. Honestly if I received the email I sent (which was quite long and emotional) I would have to make some reply immediately even if it was just an acknowledgement.

Anyway, achievements for today: I took our dog for a 20 minute walk, on my own and as fast as I could walk. I knew my son would be home soon so if I got stuck I would be able to call him to help me, but I didn't need to. Also, I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises and 25 minutes mindful body scan. That made me feel much better this morning.

I've decided that I need to be more determined. I would say I've always been a very determined person and do what I want as long as it's not hurting anyone. Somewhere, at some time, I've lost my determination and focus. I've become an ill person who listens to what everyone says, gets confused and then follows someone's advice. I end up doing things and wondering how on earth I got there. I've stopped doing things because other people have told me to. So, I've made a conscious decision to get it back. I refuse to be defined by CRPS. I need to be me who just happens to have CRPS. I really am learning to be me with special effects.

A Sunny Day!

Ok.. Woke up this morning aching all over and groggy. Shut my eyes again for half an hour then had a warm, bubbly bath followed by 25 minutes mindful stretching. I did all the stretches and just did some of them for less than 15 seconds. Feel better. Hung the washing on the line and ironed 8, yes 8, shirts! Woohoo!

Sat in the lovely sunny garden, did a full body scan just using my own focus...pleased with that as it may not always be convenient to have the downloaded file next to me when I need to do a bit more than mindful breathing. I think the file is too big for my phone so it's on my laptop. I also did mindful breathing. Hubby made me lunch, yummy!

I then started my Springboard book that my sister bought me for my birthday recently. She is part of a Springboard personal Development Course for Women. It is really helping her so she bought me the book so I could have a go at doing it myself. I haven't got the support of a group but I do have the support of my sister so I am feeling confident with it. I read chapter 1 and started chapter 2. It has really got me thinking about how I have approached work and education all these years. I have taken it all so personally instead of thinking of separate roles I need to play. Each role has its own power and responsibilities.
to be continued...brain fog alert!

Measures

I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises. I hung washing on the line, 2 lots today! It's sunny weather - lovely. Might top up my vitamin D!
I sat down and stood up as many times as I could in a minute. Today I did 15. Last time I did this was exactly a month ago and I did 7 before I collapsed! That's double...that's good. I think I'll use this as a measure for how I'm doing.
I also measured my wrists:- left 16cm, right 17cm. That doesn't seem too much difference.

Spent a lovely teatime with all my family (there are lots of them!). Really pleased - I had a chat with everyone and lasted two and a half hours before I had to come home. good job!

No post yesterday!

Well, that's disappointing, I didn't post yesterday - how did that happen?!
I had an appointment at Occupational Health yesterday - a bit depressing. And it said clearly on the referral form Complex Regional Pain Syndrome so guess what?! I had to explain it to her as she'd never heard of it. Surprise, surprise! She could have at least searched it before she saw me. I'm very interested to read her report.
I ironed 5 shirts and hung the washing on the line. I vacuumed the rug. I had a visitor today - how lovely; a lady from work. She was genuinely interested in CRPS. We chatted for 2 hours! She is returning to work next week having been absent for 5 months after being treated for breast cancer. It was good to speak to someone who understands how I'm missing work, feeling so tired, popping pills, learning to put yourself first at least some of the time.
I said CRPS is not life threatening and she replied immediately - maybe not but it is life changing! She's so right.
When I get the report from Occupational Health I'll speak to my Head Teacher and negotiate a solution to make sure I have equality at work. My knowledge and skills are not disabled and I can still do my job to a high standard. My reasonable adjustments are regarding the physical side of my job.

I did 25 minutes mindful stretches to get myself going this morning. Also 2 lots of mindful breathing. I've watched Wimbledon - it started today. So close to finishing my reports, determined to finish them tomorrow. Walked round the block, had to stop once but made it back home. Had to take a few more Paracetamols today. Once I finish my reports I can really concentrate on making my new routine a real habit so that I don't have to think about it and it goes without saying. That's my target at the moment.

Not such a good Day

I think I overdone it yesterday - I woke up feeling awful. I did my mindful exercises and that helped. I've also done lots of mindful breathing today. I've nearly finished my reports. And the cricket is a bit of a washout!
Back tomorrow bright and cheery...

Achieved a lot today!
Drove a mile, parked the car, walked to the chemist, walked to the library and then back to the car. While walking I was overtaken by a very elderly man with a walking stick! but hey!
Hung the washing out, visited Mum and Dad, talked for an hour, saw my sister, talked some more! discovered that it hurts when I laugh!! Oh well, that's not going to stop me!
I also managed to backup my exercises so that will stop me worrying about losing them. They are priceless to me.. That's what gets me up and moving in the morning.
Well it felt like a very busy day, I feel like I haven't stopped. Hopefully should sleep well...

Getting the Hang of Blogging

Aha! I'm getting the hang of this blogging thing a bit. I've been looking at other blogs, trying to pick up hints and stuff. So my first achievement today is creating tabs. I want my blog to look interesting. So I'm going to put pictures on and jazz it up a bit.

I really need to finish those reports first so I can concentrate some time to my blog. I'm going to set myself a deadline of tomorrow evening to get them done. I'm visiting my Dad today but I still think it's a manageable deadline - I'm pretty close.