Getting a bit tired

I went to the hospital today,; I had to get up early and was absolutely packed like sardines on the Central Line, to get there for 9am. I spoke to a very nice research student who is doing a Phd on the effect of alternative therapy for chronic pain sufferers. I'm glad to be part of research if it will help other people in the future. The Dr was also very nice but her assessment hurt. In her opinion, acupuncture might be too painful for me, at least at the moment, so she has referred me to a specialist who might be able to offer alternative or complementary help. I then travelled back to work, the Central Line was still very busy even though it was lunch time.
After school I held the School Football Team trials; I have reached the conclusion that whatever I do with regard the School Football Team, someone is always upset. So I just need to grit my teeth and do what I think is right knowing that someone will be upset. Most of the boys went home happy enough and I have 2 school Football Teams that are actually both quite skilful.
Life is very busy at the moment...

hmm... telling...

So I went back to school on the 3rd September and haven't blogged since the 5th - very telling of how busy I've been. And I haven't got time to blog now because I have Maths books to mark. So achievements - yes many - time to record them - 0.
Not sure what I can do about this except put some time aside at the weekend. Family life is also very busy so really not sure that's the answer. Just goes to show how hard it is to be managing a condition and working full time with a family also...

Back to School

I went back to school yesterday and was in class all day - I am very pleased with myself - it is a huge achievement. I really enjoyed it and I have a lovely class of children - 10 boys and 10 girls - so not a whole class under normal circumstances but they are my class at the moment. New children are joining all the time, I had two new additions to my class yesterday - 1 boy and 1 girl.

Many people came to find me to see how I was getting on and if I was coping. The majority of people are so kind and thoughtful. I thought I was going to find it more difficult especially given the bad news about my Dad on Tuesday. He wants us all to be positive and to carry on as he is doing himself so bravely. I was at the hospital with him so I volunteered to 'phone everyone to let them know the news. That was how I spent Tuesday evening.

I have a couple of hours at home today to recuperate from yesterday and my class are in the trusted hands of our regular supply teacher who is wonderful. She met them yesterday so they will be fine and I've left some lovely work for them to do. I think I would rather bank her time as I don't think I need it as much now as I will later on when I've been teaching a few weeks and parents' evening is looming. Hopefully my Head will agree.

Blood test first thing this morning - my husband and I both had to go - a nice little trip out together. We arrived at the hospital at 7.30am and there were already 68 people queuing before us. We were seen at 8.45am so not too bad. Hubby seems to be getting better every day and he is driving now as well so he can occupy himself better.

My youngest son went back to school today looking very smart as usual on his first day. He'll moan when he sees he has an appointment with the careers officer on his half day next week. All sons at home at the moment so it's all a bit busy here at home - nice though.

I have to make some 'phone calls now for my Dad and for my Access to Work. Oh and I've been ironing and dog walking and driving and washing and... must be careful not to overdo it.

A whole week!

So much for my resolution writing more often, I've left it a whole week this time. Where to start? On Saturday I had to travel to London for one of my pain management group sessions. As always it was very useful. But is a long day and the journey is tiring. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I went into school for a couple of hours each day to familiarise myself with school, my classroom, the people, and the journey there. On Wednesday my son rearranged the room for me and finished off any lifting or carrying so that on Thursday and Friday I was able to go into school on my own and get my brain back into school.
We've been food shopping again, very slow. I have visited my sister and my mum and dad stop I think I find five shirts and I have done loads of washing. Hubby and I have walked the dog very slowly a few times. Today we had to queue for the uniform shop as my son needed a new blazer. I picked my other son up from the station with his stuff and then took my other son to have his hair cut and buy new shoes for school.
I can't remember what else I've done and now I'm feeling tired – it's my first day at school tomorrow.

Thursday - Monday

Oops I've left it too long again and now I'm going to have to really think about what I've done. I've finished the Maths paper and emailed it off so I'm really pleased about that. I read it again this morning and found a couple of things I would add or change but it's one of those things that I could keep adding to and changing so I have to let it go. I'm free now to think about school work for this week. It's Bank Holiday Monday today; I've hung some washing out and collected the pears that have fallen from the tree - that takes so long and so much effort. I'm just about to iron some shirts - I wonder how many I'll manage. Hubby wants me to take him to drop something off and do a little bit of food shopping - it's strange that he can't drive at the moment - I wonder how long it will be? He is so much better already but he's still bruised and a bit swollen so he's being sensible and taking things slowly.

I had to take my lovely car to the dealer on Friday; it was recalled because some have been found to have a loose steering wheel bolt. That was a lot of effort as I had to walk into town, did a bit of clothes shopping and get the bus home. As soon as I'd reached home the dealer rang to say my car was ready to pick up - typical. I got 2 buses back so that I didn't have to walk far and they'd cleaned my car inside and out too - lovely.

I took hubby food shopping on Saturday and we bought quite a lot - he was even slower than me walking round and I had to pack the shopping into bags - it all took ages but we did it. We asked my son to get the bags from the boot of the car; that was a bridge too far. The cricket has been on TV so we've watched that which takes up all day. It rained all day on Saturday, ad I mean rained - it didn't stop. Some towns nearby were flooded for the first time in years it was that bad.

I helped my son clean out next door's guinea pigs while they're away. They are sweet, but bigger than I thought they'd be. They squeak a lot and love their food. I've done my mindful stretching exercises every day in the morning, they really do help to get me going. The pain has been bad but I've been trying the mindful exercises so that I'm trying to just acknowledge the pain and not get annoyed, sad, upset by it. It still hurts as much but I feel more in control I suppose. It's difficult to unpick all the feelings.

Right, I really must try not to leave it so long to write although the days fly past and I don't realise it's been so many days. In a way perhaps that's a good sign that I'm not constantly consciously thinking about my pain and I do forget to write. Right, where's that iron?

Saturday - Tuesday

Well first, a big achievement is that I haven't opened my laptop - no checking emails, work -nothing. That's partly because hubby had a hernia operation on Saturday, very time consuming. He's doing well and can now make himself breakfast and a cuppa. I had my hair cut and finished on Monday; always tiring. I did a little bit of shopping for clothes while I was In town. I took the dog to have his nails clipped yesterday with the help of my son. I've been to the doctors and chemist a couple of times - poor hubby. I've done a few loads of washing and made several phone calls. I bought a new telephone yesterday and am busy setting that up. I missed my mindful stretches twice which felt really strange - I need to make them a priority; did them this morning.

I had to drive there and back to the hospital twice on Saturday so that was a lot of driving. My son put some petrol in my car for me. I've been food shopping a few times. I've ironed a couple of shirts and vacuumed once. I picked blackberries in our garden and made a tart which we ate with custard - much tastier that I thought it would be. Today I need to try to finish the maths or at least nearly - it's beginning to bug me now and I want to send it off.

Wednesday to Friday

Had a cuppa & a chat with The In-Laws - very pleasant 2 hours. Ironed 5 shirts. Walked dog once for 20 minutes. Visited Dad & sister for a total of 5 hours. Did food shopping, that was tiring and I had to stop once and hold on and breathe. Stretching exercises every day. Hung washing out a couple of times. Made a few phone calls which I find tiring. Paid deposit on new bathroom. Bit more shopping. Bit more Maths work.

Gosh doesn't sound much when I write it down but it's all pretty tiring.

I've excelled myself today. I had tea & biscuits this morning for 2 hours and we chatted the whole time - very pleasant sitting on the decking in the sunshine. Then afternoon tea & cake meeting an adorable puppy who is already being very well trained - delightful. Ironed 4 shirts and was up, dressed and exercised by 9am - getting there.

Thinking about joining a gym as I feel I need to do more exercise although not sure if the cost would be worth it. I might wait until I'm back at work and see how I feel. Unless the gym can offer me a free trial - think I'll ask.

Tired now...

A few more days

I feel a lot better than I did on 8th August. Who am I to question pain, life, Earth, The Universe? It really isn't helpful to let negative thoughts in - if thoughts are like buses then I need to choose the ones I engage with and let the others pass by. It's hard to do this and it needs effort, which when you're suffering in pain is hard. I need to know what I need to do when I realise the blanket of negative buses is descending.
So, I've ironed 5 shirts, taken the dog for 2x 20 minute walks, attended a hospital appointment, visited Mum & Dad, made 2 dates for tea & chat, completed more Maths work, had a new boiler fitted, applied for a loan, considered my Sky package, cleaned a window, filed my course notes, read a whole book 400 pages, made a timetable of red, amber and green activities for September, checked emails every day, and mindful stretching exercises every day.

I need to record achievements more frequently otherwise it's too much effort to try to remember what I've done.

5 Days

I have realised I haven't written for 5 days...that's a long time. Have I really had no achievements in those days? Let me try to remember:-
I ironed some shirts, maybe 3, can't remember what day.
British Gas visited and quoted for a new boiler, he was here for ages but we got the quote in the end and it was pretty much what we had guessed. Their finance package is good so we paid a deposit and booked an appointment, really soon too.
We could then confirm with the bathroom shop that we accepted their quote for a lovely new bathroom with a power shower - just what I need. I could've done with a power shower this morning. So that appointment is also now booked. We've got to pay the deposit for that this week.
Took the dog out for a 20 minute walk once.
Did a bit of research for my maths task.
Read 100 pages of a book my son recommended to me.
Hung out a few loads of washing, can't remember how many exactly.
Washed my hair today - always a tiring task.
Had my annual contact lens check and two yearly eye check, that is sooo tiring... I must have had every test imaginable and the end result was that everything is ok and no change.
Oh yes, and I've done 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises every morning. It's kind of good that I'm forgetting that I do these as it means it's becoming part of my routine without having to think about it. I've read that getting into routines helps free up brain space because you don't have to think about it. I need all the brain space I can get.
Erm...that's 5 days worth of achievements, I suppose there are some good achievements with CRPS in there. I'm feeling depressed and guilty that I feel depressed because I've got no reason to feel depressed which is making it worse. I keep telling myself to think positively and embrace each moment but it's not that simple. I have a huge, thick, dark blanket over me and I can't just shrug it off. It's not rational, or reasonable - it's suffocating.
I'm trying really hard to appear normal, whatever that is, but I know I've snapped and grumped. I want to do something but I don't know what I want to do so I can't do it.
That's why I'm going to see my sister today, I'm hoping that will help me shift the blanket. The weather is sunny so that helps me a bit. I'll pop into see my Dad, that should help too.
I'm thinking I might need to ask for more medication because my arm and chest are painful more and more and I know I don't have to put up with it but I'm frightened to increase medication as it seems I never decrease it. I could try taking extra paracetamol first, I could take an occasional co-codamol, that shouldn't affect me too badly.

Decision

I have decided that I can't write my blog every day and I shouldn't feel bad if I don't. After all, it's all about achievements, it's supposed to be a positive exercise. The thing is, I'm having real difficulty being non judgemental. I can see all the good reasons why being non judgemental is helpful and that I need to strive for it every day. I need to make a conscious effort all the time to avoid making judgments and also to see the difference between a fact and a judgment. I remember a few years ago now, a university lecture all about what goes without saying. So true. There are so many things that I take for granted and accept without even thinking about them because that's how it is, that's how it's always been, that's the only way it can be... So not true - so needs to be challenged.

So this is me, making a conscious effort to challenge all those things that go without saying and making constant judgements. If I can stop making judgments all the time then perhaps I can enjoy each moment for its simplicity. I'm here, sometimes I wonder why I'm here, I often wonder why I've got CRPS and at the moment this electricity shooting up and down my left arm and chest, but I am here and most of the time it's good and pleasant and I should enjoy every moment of it.

Aagh

My arm is still hurting and is getting worse. It feels like an electric shock starting in my fingers and then travelling up my arm and across my chest. It really stops me in my tracks and takes a while to ease enough to be able to continue what I'm doing. It feels like if I touch someone they will surely be able to feel the electricity but my hubby and son say they can't feel it. I take painkillers and focus on my breathing.

It has stopped me a bit but I'm determined it won't stop me too much. I vacuumed all downstairs today. My son moved the furniture and also helped. I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises including the ones on my front. I went to Tesco with hubby and did the weekly shopping - I only had to sit down once. I hung the washing on the line when the thunderstorms had gone.
I feel so much better every day - the rest is definitely working.

Later, though, I didn't feel too good at all - I'd used up all my spoons and borrowed some from tomorrow - I must remember about pacing, it is important and I keep forgetting that this is my life now. When I feel well I forget that I've got CRPS and that means I'm not able to do all the things at once anymore. I can still do all the things I want to do but I need to spread them evenly taking care of my daily allowance of spoons and being mindful.

This post really shows how up and down Rollercoaster CRPS is and therefore how mindful of pacing I need to be...

Spoon theory = http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Sizzling

It was extremely hot weather today. I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises, 2 loads of washing on and off the line, drove to the doctor's and back. I cut some of the rhododendron. That was plenty for today -needed a rest.

Resting

I've ironed 4 shirts and hung out 2 loads of washing. I've done 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises. We went to the hospital for hubby's pre assessment. It was all fine and we were there and back in an hour or so. I then drove to the supermarket so that my son could buy bits for his next cooking experiment.

A new thing to add to my list

Today, I had my finger nails and my toe nails shaped and polished at the beauty salon. Lovely. My finger nails had grown so much in such a short time - part of the syndrome - either brittle and breaking or growing manically. And I have such difficulty doing them myself and as I have no daughters to do them for me. It's the first time I've ever had my toe nails done but it was so lovely and they look pretty now. Added that to my list of 50 new things to do before I'm 50 years old. So cheered me up. The weather's not cheering me up - raining all day. It's supposed to be really hot on Thursday. British weather!
I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises this morning - they really do get me up and going every day. And because they're mindful they are having a good effect on my mood too. My hand has been really painful for a few days now - like electricity running through continuously. My chest has been less painful though.

Yesterday I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises and took the dog for a 20 minutes walk as fast as I could walk. Hubby drove me to town where we went to the bank, the chemist and the beauty salon. We walked back to the car. I did dome more planning for September and read quite a lot of the new national curriculum final draft. There is a handy glossary of terms in the English section. Thankfully nothing new to me but I think it will be very useful to some of my colleagues. I did some more work on the maths task. Restless legs - went to sleep at 9pm.

The Weekend

Yesterday I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises before I drove to see my Dad, and my Mum was home from her jaunt. I chatted to them for nearly 2 hours and then visited my sister and chatted for another 2 hours. I then drove home and started my maths task. I couldn't really concentrate and that was making it so much more difficult.
I looked at some planning for next year and produced 2 weekly plans already. I also started to look at our overview for Literacy. I stopped this when I realised I needed to refer to the new curriculum to make sure the overview is relevant and up to date. So I stopped, put the laptop away and watched a bit of TV before going to bed.


Today I started with 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises. We then went to the retail park, my husband drove. We walked around 3 large stores and then drove to the regional shopping centre. Here we walked around 5 shops and hubby bought the trainers he wanted. It was getting busy so we decided to go to our local shops to sit down and have a drink and pick up a couple of bits of food from M & S.
All this was quite tiring so I sat down when we got home. Later I got the laptop out and checked emails, started my maths task which I'm pleased with how far I've got and now I'm writing my blog. I've sorted through a pile of papers and filed, recycled and shredded.

Tired now and my hand and arm are full of electricity, as indeed is the left side of my chest.

Maths

Today I travelled on the tube to the Institute of Education. I was sitting down all the way there and it's not far to walk from the station. I remembered to catch a bus to the station which meant I wasn't tired by the time I got there.
There were more people there than I thought there would be, they came from all over the country. The people I spoke to were all interesting and there was a lovely lunch and an interesting task.
I travelled home on the tube. It was quite a tiring day because there were lots of new people and I had to concentrate on the discussion and demonstration as well as talking to people.

Work

On Monday I had to go to my GP to get permission to be on school premises while I'm signed off on long term sick leave. I need to find all my stuff that classroom assistants helpfully packed into boxes for me. I'm gradually finding my stuff. I had to rummage for my books but we found a lot of them. My son is helping me - he follows all my instructions while I'm sitting and resting. Last day tomorrow and then school is shut until the end of the holiday. I have 4 boxes to be unpacked and we've already unpacked 4. We've found new homes for the stuff so far.
I ironed 4 shirts. I've done a few loads of washing and hung it out. I've driven to school & back a few times. I've done a couple of trips to the shops and the bank - it's my son's 21st birthday and my sister's 50th birthday.
I'm too tired to remember - I'm going to start to write my blog in  the morning after I've done my mindful stretching exercises as I'm too tired in the afternoon

The Weekend

Yesterday I:-
Did 25 minutes mindful stretches with DVD
Walked dog as fast as we could walk 20 minutes
Drove to see my Dad. My Mum is going away for 5 days so I'll need to stay in touch with Dad to make sure he's ok while she's away. He says he likes being on his own sometimes. I can understand that - not having to justify or chat...
Drove home
My new gerbils arrived in a fantastic snazzy cage with loads of toys and gadgets. They are Milly and Molly. We need to handle them lots so that they are ready for the school children. I think they are about 4 months old; an ex work colleague didn't want them any more so I've adopted them. My previous gerbils, Salt and Pepper have been adopted by a work colleague because she got attached to them while she was looking after them because I was absent from work due to long term sick leave.
Drove to restaurant with hubby and drove home

It was lovely to go out to dinner with my hubby. We had a lovely chat and saw a couple of people we know. He wanted a little walk after dinner, I was tired but I didn't say anything and actually it was alright. I'm glad we did - I don't want to be forever saying I can't do things.

Today, I struggled out of bed. I had a warm bath and did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises with the DVD; they really do help - I feel like I can move afterwards. I've pretty much sat today, on the internet reading; "The Royal College of Physicians' Guidelines for CRPS (2012)" which was interesting reading although I didn't learn anything new. I'm trying to find where it said that CRPS spreads after 2 years, I'm sure I read it and didn't imagine it. I think it's important to me to know that my CRPS might have spread anyway either with or without hard work and stress. I suppose I want to know I can work hard and have a bit of stress without risking my health. I think I will be more able to deal with the stress now because I have spent a lot of time learning relaxation techniques and realistic expectations and trying not to judge. I need to try hard not to judge because I find it difficult and also I need to try to acknowledge thoughts without necessarily engaging with them.
I also ironed 5 shirts today. I've been watching the cricket; the Ashes. I hung the washing on the line.

Borrowed Spoons

Yesterday I got up at 6.30am.
I got washed and dressed.
I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises with the DVD ( my theories on mirror therapy - Wednesday 17 July 2013)
I drove my son to his work experience placement and then drove myself to work by 8.45am.
I watched the last whole school assembly of the academic year.
I had photos taken with my football team and with my class.
I said goodbye to my class and wished them good luck etc. for their new schools in September.
They gave me a group hug but I had to squeal, " one at a time!!"
I talked to a few people and drove home.
In the evening, I got a lift to a restaurant where I had dinner with about 20 work colleagues.
I had to wait 2 hours for dinner, by which time I was ready to come home! I think because we were a large group and quite a few were drinking expensive cocktails, they delayed our dinner for as long as they thought they could get away with. Also, most of our group had a starter, I so wished I had!
I chatted to most people; one lovely conversation somehow turned into a very long debate about food, why do people always want to talk about food to vegetarians? It made me feel quite sick, bit fortunately I was able to turn my head and talk to different people about the prospects for a bride in an orthodox Jewish wedding. I got a lift home.

Today, I dragged myself out of bed.
I did 25 minutes mindful stretches with the DVD and also 15 minutes body scan. I had to stop the body scan as I began to feel unwell.
I took the dog for a walk before it got too hot, 20 minutes.
I've now spent quite a long time searching the web about a new treatment that has been mentioned to me: NAET. The thing is people quite often want to feel helpful so they suggest all kinds of treatments and theories etc. I know they are trying to be helpful but I find it hard to stay positive and accept my condition when so many people seem to know the cure. It makes me feel again that there's nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head and any one of these suggestions will cure me.

I also found the spoon theory that I like http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
and this
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/sick-humor/sick-humor-the-top-ten-worst-suggestions-commonly-given-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness/
Haha I need to laugh!!!
The internet might be a minefield but it is also a saviour.