Thursday - Monday

Oops I've left it too long again and now I'm going to have to really think about what I've done. I've finished the Maths paper and emailed it off so I'm really pleased about that. I read it again this morning and found a couple of things I would add or change but it's one of those things that I could keep adding to and changing so I have to let it go. I'm free now to think about school work for this week. It's Bank Holiday Monday today; I've hung some washing out and collected the pears that have fallen from the tree - that takes so long and so much effort. I'm just about to iron some shirts - I wonder how many I'll manage. Hubby wants me to take him to drop something off and do a little bit of food shopping - it's strange that he can't drive at the moment - I wonder how long it will be? He is so much better already but he's still bruised and a bit swollen so he's being sensible and taking things slowly.

I had to take my lovely car to the dealer on Friday; it was recalled because some have been found to have a loose steering wheel bolt. That was a lot of effort as I had to walk into town, did a bit of clothes shopping and get the bus home. As soon as I'd reached home the dealer rang to say my car was ready to pick up - typical. I got 2 buses back so that I didn't have to walk far and they'd cleaned my car inside and out too - lovely.

I took hubby food shopping on Saturday and we bought quite a lot - he was even slower than me walking round and I had to pack the shopping into bags - it all took ages but we did it. We asked my son to get the bags from the boot of the car; that was a bridge too far. The cricket has been on TV so we've watched that which takes up all day. It rained all day on Saturday, ad I mean rained - it didn't stop. Some towns nearby were flooded for the first time in years it was that bad.

I helped my son clean out next door's guinea pigs while they're away. They are sweet, but bigger than I thought they'd be. They squeak a lot and love their food. I've done my mindful stretching exercises every day in the morning, they really do help to get me going. The pain has been bad but I've been trying the mindful exercises so that I'm trying to just acknowledge the pain and not get annoyed, sad, upset by it. It still hurts as much but I feel more in control I suppose. It's difficult to unpick all the feelings.

Right, I really must try not to leave it so long to write although the days fly past and I don't realise it's been so many days. In a way perhaps that's a good sign that I'm not constantly consciously thinking about my pain and I do forget to write. Right, where's that iron?

Saturday - Tuesday

Well first, a big achievement is that I haven't opened my laptop - no checking emails, work -nothing. That's partly because hubby had a hernia operation on Saturday, very time consuming. He's doing well and can now make himself breakfast and a cuppa. I had my hair cut and finished on Monday; always tiring. I did a little bit of shopping for clothes while I was In town. I took the dog to have his nails clipped yesterday with the help of my son. I've been to the doctors and chemist a couple of times - poor hubby. I've done a few loads of washing and made several phone calls. I bought a new telephone yesterday and am busy setting that up. I missed my mindful stretches twice which felt really strange - I need to make them a priority; did them this morning.

I had to drive there and back to the hospital twice on Saturday so that was a lot of driving. My son put some petrol in my car for me. I've been food shopping a few times. I've ironed a couple of shirts and vacuumed once. I picked blackberries in our garden and made a tart which we ate with custard - much tastier that I thought it would be. Today I need to try to finish the maths or at least nearly - it's beginning to bug me now and I want to send it off.

Wednesday to Friday

Had a cuppa & a chat with The In-Laws - very pleasant 2 hours. Ironed 5 shirts. Walked dog once for 20 minutes. Visited Dad & sister for a total of 5 hours. Did food shopping, that was tiring and I had to stop once and hold on and breathe. Stretching exercises every day. Hung washing out a couple of times. Made a few phone calls which I find tiring. Paid deposit on new bathroom. Bit more shopping. Bit more Maths work.

Gosh doesn't sound much when I write it down but it's all pretty tiring.

I've excelled myself today. I had tea & biscuits this morning for 2 hours and we chatted the whole time - very pleasant sitting on the decking in the sunshine. Then afternoon tea & cake meeting an adorable puppy who is already being very well trained - delightful. Ironed 4 shirts and was up, dressed and exercised by 9am - getting there.

Thinking about joining a gym as I feel I need to do more exercise although not sure if the cost would be worth it. I might wait until I'm back at work and see how I feel. Unless the gym can offer me a free trial - think I'll ask.

Tired now...

A few more days

I feel a lot better than I did on 8th August. Who am I to question pain, life, Earth, The Universe? It really isn't helpful to let negative thoughts in - if thoughts are like buses then I need to choose the ones I engage with and let the others pass by. It's hard to do this and it needs effort, which when you're suffering in pain is hard. I need to know what I need to do when I realise the blanket of negative buses is descending.
So, I've ironed 5 shirts, taken the dog for 2x 20 minute walks, attended a hospital appointment, visited Mum & Dad, made 2 dates for tea & chat, completed more Maths work, had a new boiler fitted, applied for a loan, considered my Sky package, cleaned a window, filed my course notes, read a whole book 400 pages, made a timetable of red, amber and green activities for September, checked emails every day, and mindful stretching exercises every day.

I need to record achievements more frequently otherwise it's too much effort to try to remember what I've done.

5 Days

I have realised I haven't written for 5 days...that's a long time. Have I really had no achievements in those days? Let me try to remember:-
I ironed some shirts, maybe 3, can't remember what day.
British Gas visited and quoted for a new boiler, he was here for ages but we got the quote in the end and it was pretty much what we had guessed. Their finance package is good so we paid a deposit and booked an appointment, really soon too.
We could then confirm with the bathroom shop that we accepted their quote for a lovely new bathroom with a power shower - just what I need. I could've done with a power shower this morning. So that appointment is also now booked. We've got to pay the deposit for that this week.
Took the dog out for a 20 minute walk once.
Did a bit of research for my maths task.
Read 100 pages of a book my son recommended to me.
Hung out a few loads of washing, can't remember how many exactly.
Washed my hair today - always a tiring task.
Had my annual contact lens check and two yearly eye check, that is sooo tiring... I must have had every test imaginable and the end result was that everything is ok and no change.
Oh yes, and I've done 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises every morning. It's kind of good that I'm forgetting that I do these as it means it's becoming part of my routine without having to think about it. I've read that getting into routines helps free up brain space because you don't have to think about it. I need all the brain space I can get.
Erm...that's 5 days worth of achievements, I suppose there are some good achievements with CRPS in there. I'm feeling depressed and guilty that I feel depressed because I've got no reason to feel depressed which is making it worse. I keep telling myself to think positively and embrace each moment but it's not that simple. I have a huge, thick, dark blanket over me and I can't just shrug it off. It's not rational, or reasonable - it's suffocating.
I'm trying really hard to appear normal, whatever that is, but I know I've snapped and grumped. I want to do something but I don't know what I want to do so I can't do it.
That's why I'm going to see my sister today, I'm hoping that will help me shift the blanket. The weather is sunny so that helps me a bit. I'll pop into see my Dad, that should help too.
I'm thinking I might need to ask for more medication because my arm and chest are painful more and more and I know I don't have to put up with it but I'm frightened to increase medication as it seems I never decrease it. I could try taking extra paracetamol first, I could take an occasional co-codamol, that shouldn't affect me too badly.

Decision

I have decided that I can't write my blog every day and I shouldn't feel bad if I don't. After all, it's all about achievements, it's supposed to be a positive exercise. The thing is, I'm having real difficulty being non judgemental. I can see all the good reasons why being non judgemental is helpful and that I need to strive for it every day. I need to make a conscious effort all the time to avoid making judgments and also to see the difference between a fact and a judgment. I remember a few years ago now, a university lecture all about what goes without saying. So true. There are so many things that I take for granted and accept without even thinking about them because that's how it is, that's how it's always been, that's the only way it can be... So not true - so needs to be challenged.

So this is me, making a conscious effort to challenge all those things that go without saying and making constant judgements. If I can stop making judgments all the time then perhaps I can enjoy each moment for its simplicity. I'm here, sometimes I wonder why I'm here, I often wonder why I've got CRPS and at the moment this electricity shooting up and down my left arm and chest, but I am here and most of the time it's good and pleasant and I should enjoy every moment of it.

Aagh

My arm is still hurting and is getting worse. It feels like an electric shock starting in my fingers and then travelling up my arm and across my chest. It really stops me in my tracks and takes a while to ease enough to be able to continue what I'm doing. It feels like if I touch someone they will surely be able to feel the electricity but my hubby and son say they can't feel it. I take painkillers and focus on my breathing.

It has stopped me a bit but I'm determined it won't stop me too much. I vacuumed all downstairs today. My son moved the furniture and also helped. I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises including the ones on my front. I went to Tesco with hubby and did the weekly shopping - I only had to sit down once. I hung the washing on the line when the thunderstorms had gone.
I feel so much better every day - the rest is definitely working.

Later, though, I didn't feel too good at all - I'd used up all my spoons and borrowed some from tomorrow - I must remember about pacing, it is important and I keep forgetting that this is my life now. When I feel well I forget that I've got CRPS and that means I'm not able to do all the things at once anymore. I can still do all the things I want to do but I need to spread them evenly taking care of my daily allowance of spoons and being mindful.

This post really shows how up and down Rollercoaster CRPS is and therefore how mindful of pacing I need to be...

Spoon theory = http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Sizzling

It was extremely hot weather today. I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises, 2 loads of washing on and off the line, drove to the doctor's and back. I cut some of the rhododendron. That was plenty for today -needed a rest.