Getting a bit tired

I went to the hospital today,; I had to get up early and was absolutely packed like sardines on the Central Line, to get there for 9am. I spoke to a very nice research student who is doing a Phd on the effect of alternative therapy for chronic pain sufferers. I'm glad to be part of research if it will help other people in the future. The Dr was also very nice but her assessment hurt. In her opinion, acupuncture might be too painful for me, at least at the moment, so she has referred me to a specialist who might be able to offer alternative or complementary help. I then travelled back to work, the Central Line was still very busy even though it was lunch time.
After school I held the School Football Team trials; I have reached the conclusion that whatever I do with regard the School Football Team, someone is always upset. So I just need to grit my teeth and do what I think is right knowing that someone will be upset. Most of the boys went home happy enough and I have 2 school Football Teams that are actually both quite skilful.
Life is very busy at the moment...

hmm... telling...

So I went back to school on the 3rd September and haven't blogged since the 5th - very telling of how busy I've been. And I haven't got time to blog now because I have Maths books to mark. So achievements - yes many - time to record them - 0.
Not sure what I can do about this except put some time aside at the weekend. Family life is also very busy so really not sure that's the answer. Just goes to show how hard it is to be managing a condition and working full time with a family also...

Back to School

I went back to school yesterday and was in class all day - I am very pleased with myself - it is a huge achievement. I really enjoyed it and I have a lovely class of children - 10 boys and 10 girls - so not a whole class under normal circumstances but they are my class at the moment. New children are joining all the time, I had two new additions to my class yesterday - 1 boy and 1 girl.

Many people came to find me to see how I was getting on and if I was coping. The majority of people are so kind and thoughtful. I thought I was going to find it more difficult especially given the bad news about my Dad on Tuesday. He wants us all to be positive and to carry on as he is doing himself so bravely. I was at the hospital with him so I volunteered to 'phone everyone to let them know the news. That was how I spent Tuesday evening.

I have a couple of hours at home today to recuperate from yesterday and my class are in the trusted hands of our regular supply teacher who is wonderful. She met them yesterday so they will be fine and I've left some lovely work for them to do. I think I would rather bank her time as I don't think I need it as much now as I will later on when I've been teaching a few weeks and parents' evening is looming. Hopefully my Head will agree.

Blood test first thing this morning - my husband and I both had to go - a nice little trip out together. We arrived at the hospital at 7.30am and there were already 68 people queuing before us. We were seen at 8.45am so not too bad. Hubby seems to be getting better every day and he is driving now as well so he can occupy himself better.

My youngest son went back to school today looking very smart as usual on his first day. He'll moan when he sees he has an appointment with the careers officer on his half day next week. All sons at home at the moment so it's all a bit busy here at home - nice though.

I have to make some 'phone calls now for my Dad and for my Access to Work. Oh and I've been ironing and dog walking and driving and washing and... must be careful not to overdo it.

A whole week!

So much for my resolution writing more often, I've left it a whole week this time. Where to start? On Saturday I had to travel to London for one of my pain management group sessions. As always it was very useful. But is a long day and the journey is tiring. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I went into school for a couple of hours each day to familiarise myself with school, my classroom, the people, and the journey there. On Wednesday my son rearranged the room for me and finished off any lifting or carrying so that on Thursday and Friday I was able to go into school on my own and get my brain back into school.
We've been food shopping again, very slow. I have visited my sister and my mum and dad stop I think I find five shirts and I have done loads of washing. Hubby and I have walked the dog very slowly a few times. Today we had to queue for the uniform shop as my son needed a new blazer. I picked my other son up from the station with his stuff and then took my other son to have his hair cut and buy new shoes for school.
I can't remember what else I've done and now I'm feeling tired – it's my first day at school tomorrow.

A few more days

I feel a lot better than I did on 8th August. Who am I to question pain, life, Earth, The Universe? It really isn't helpful to let negative thoughts in - if thoughts are like buses then I need to choose the ones I engage with and let the others pass by. It's hard to do this and it needs effort, which when you're suffering in pain is hard. I need to know what I need to do when I realise the blanket of negative buses is descending.
So, I've ironed 5 shirts, taken the dog for 2x 20 minute walks, attended a hospital appointment, visited Mum & Dad, made 2 dates for tea & chat, completed more Maths work, had a new boiler fitted, applied for a loan, considered my Sky package, cleaned a window, filed my course notes, read a whole book 400 pages, made a timetable of red, amber and green activities for September, checked emails every day, and mindful stretching exercises every day.

I need to record achievements more frequently otherwise it's too much effort to try to remember what I've done.

A new thing to add to my list

Today, I had my finger nails and my toe nails shaped and polished at the beauty salon. Lovely. My finger nails had grown so much in such a short time - part of the syndrome - either brittle and breaking or growing manically. And I have such difficulty doing them myself and as I have no daughters to do them for me. It's the first time I've ever had my toe nails done but it was so lovely and they look pretty now. Added that to my list of 50 new things to do before I'm 50 years old. So cheered me up. The weather's not cheering me up - raining all day. It's supposed to be really hot on Thursday. British weather!
I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises this morning - they really do get me up and going every day. And because they're mindful they are having a good effect on my mood too. My hand has been really painful for a few days now - like electricity running through continuously. My chest has been less painful though.

Yesterday I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises and took the dog for a 20 minutes walk as fast as I could walk. Hubby drove me to town where we went to the bank, the chemist and the beauty salon. We walked back to the car. I did dome more planning for September and read quite a lot of the new national curriculum final draft. There is a handy glossary of terms in the English section. Thankfully nothing new to me but I think it will be very useful to some of my colleagues. I did some more work on the maths task. Restless legs - went to sleep at 9pm.

Not yet though

Writing this at 7:45pm so I haven't started writing my blog after my mindful stretching exercises yet. I was in a bit of a rush this morning - I still did one load of washing and hung it out. And I still did my mindful stretching exercises for 25 minutes. I really have trouble getting going without them, they help so much. I drove to work and worked all day sorting through papers and things, finding a new home for everything. When I left my classroom all the surfaces were absolutely clear so that the cleaners can have a good old clean. It was a good feeling as I closed the door knowing how tidy it is. That's a big achievement. My son was a super star - he lifted , moved, shredded, binned... all to my command. He also helped other teachers with their boxes and furniture. We threw out 6 black bags full and a collection of boxes. I bought him a takeaway and said thank you a million times.
We're both tired now..
But I did quite a long day and worked quite hard and I feel so much better now. I need to write my flare-up plan.
Oh yes... I also opened the cards and gifts the children left for me. I'm always overwhelmed by the generosity of the gifts and the beautiful words written in the cards. I'll set a time to write each single one of them a Thank You note and deliver them by hand. No flowers or wine which is perfect for me and a little bit of chocolate which is also perfect.
Oh yes...and we celebrated my son's 21st birthday yesterday. Perfect.
Did I mention we celebrated my sister's 50th birthday too? It's her birthday today and she is in The Grand in Brighton with a sea view and afternoon tea. Lovely. She loves the Spoon theory and has shared it with others.
Just phoned my Dad, he seems in better spirits today partly because he's finished the antibiotics and can drink Guinness again.

Work

On Monday I had to go to my GP to get permission to be on school premises while I'm signed off on long term sick leave. I need to find all my stuff that classroom assistants helpfully packed into boxes for me. I'm gradually finding my stuff. I had to rummage for my books but we found a lot of them. My son is helping me - he follows all my instructions while I'm sitting and resting. Last day tomorrow and then school is shut until the end of the holiday. I have 4 boxes to be unpacked and we've already unpacked 4. We've found new homes for the stuff so far.
I ironed 4 shirts. I've done a few loads of washing and hung it out. I've driven to school & back a few times. I've done a couple of trips to the shops and the bank - it's my son's 21st birthday and my sister's 50th birthday.
I'm too tired to remember - I'm going to start to write my blog in  the morning after I've done my mindful stretching exercises as I'm too tired in the afternoon

The Weekend

Yesterday I:-
Did 25 minutes mindful stretches with DVD
Walked dog as fast as we could walk 20 minutes
Drove to see my Dad. My Mum is going away for 5 days so I'll need to stay in touch with Dad to make sure he's ok while she's away. He says he likes being on his own sometimes. I can understand that - not having to justify or chat...
Drove home
My new gerbils arrived in a fantastic snazzy cage with loads of toys and gadgets. They are Milly and Molly. We need to handle them lots so that they are ready for the school children. I think they are about 4 months old; an ex work colleague didn't want them any more so I've adopted them. My previous gerbils, Salt and Pepper have been adopted by a work colleague because she got attached to them while she was looking after them because I was absent from work due to long term sick leave.
Drove to restaurant with hubby and drove home

It was lovely to go out to dinner with my hubby. We had a lovely chat and saw a couple of people we know. He wanted a little walk after dinner, I was tired but I didn't say anything and actually it was alright. I'm glad we did - I don't want to be forever saying I can't do things.

Today, I struggled out of bed. I had a warm bath and did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises with the DVD; they really do help - I feel like I can move afterwards. I've pretty much sat today, on the internet reading; "The Royal College of Physicians' Guidelines for CRPS (2012)" which was interesting reading although I didn't learn anything new. I'm trying to find where it said that CRPS spreads after 2 years, I'm sure I read it and didn't imagine it. I think it's important to me to know that my CRPS might have spread anyway either with or without hard work and stress. I suppose I want to know I can work hard and have a bit of stress without risking my health. I think I will be more able to deal with the stress now because I have spent a lot of time learning relaxation techniques and realistic expectations and trying not to judge. I need to try hard not to judge because I find it difficult and also I need to try to acknowledge thoughts without necessarily engaging with them.
I also ironed 5 shirts today. I've been watching the cricket; the Ashes. I hung the washing on the line.

Borrowed Spoons

Yesterday I got up at 6.30am.
I got washed and dressed.
I did 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises with the DVD ( my theories on mirror therapy - Wednesday 17 July 2013)
I drove my son to his work experience placement and then drove myself to work by 8.45am.
I watched the last whole school assembly of the academic year.
I had photos taken with my football team and with my class.
I said goodbye to my class and wished them good luck etc. for their new schools in September.
They gave me a group hug but I had to squeal, " one at a time!!"
I talked to a few people and drove home.
In the evening, I got a lift to a restaurant where I had dinner with about 20 work colleagues.
I had to wait 2 hours for dinner, by which time I was ready to come home! I think because we were a large group and quite a few were drinking expensive cocktails, they delayed our dinner for as long as they thought they could get away with. Also, most of our group had a starter, I so wished I had!
I chatted to most people; one lovely conversation somehow turned into a very long debate about food, why do people always want to talk about food to vegetarians? It made me feel quite sick, bit fortunately I was able to turn my head and talk to different people about the prospects for a bride in an orthodox Jewish wedding. I got a lift home.

Today, I dragged myself out of bed.
I did 25 minutes mindful stretches with the DVD and also 15 minutes body scan. I had to stop the body scan as I began to feel unwell.
I took the dog for a walk before it got too hot, 20 minutes.
I've now spent quite a long time searching the web about a new treatment that has been mentioned to me: NAET. The thing is people quite often want to feel helpful so they suggest all kinds of treatments and theories etc. I know they are trying to be helpful but I find it hard to stay positive and accept my condition when so many people seem to know the cure. It makes me feel again that there's nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head and any one of these suggestions will cure me.

I also found the spoon theory that I like http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
and this
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/sick-humor/sick-humor-the-top-ten-worst-suggestions-commonly-given-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness/
Haha I need to laugh!!!
The internet might be a minefield but it is also a saviour.

Drove to work and back today.
Washed the car - well it looks a bit cleaner.
Ironed 2 shirts.
Spoke to lots of people at work.
Walked the dog before it got too hot. 20 minutes
Hung the washing out.
Did my mindful exercises and I 've just realised that doing them with the DVD serves another purpose - I'm watching the lady demonstrate the stretches as if I'm looking in a mirror and it's working a bit like mirror therapy (graded motor imagery). I can definitely feel something happening while I'm mirroring the lady.

PS Don't mention risk assessments to me...

Another Busy Day

So, yesterday I was up, dressed, done all my mindful exercises and out of the front door by 8.30am. Number one achievement.
I had a lift to school so that I could watch the Leavers Concert. It's the first time I've been to school since I left in an ambulance with a suspected heart attack. Person after person hugged and greeted me with smiles and compliments. As I walked into the hall all the children waved at me and smiled and greeted me, it was lovely - all those smiley faces so pleased to see me.
I laughed and cried my way through the concert and it was really quite emotionally tiring. I then collected my new class for September and spent approximately an hour with them, asking and answering questions and learning about them. I'm very excited about September.
I then went to the staffroom and there were even more people happy to see me.
It was fantastic and I feel I really achieved a big step. I was very tired and glad to have a lift home. My chauffeur came in for a cup of tea and a quick chat. Very interesting because she is currently having a phased return to work after treatment. She is finding it quite tough and is shocked by how tired she is and she hasn't managed a full day yet and she's not been in class for more than two hours at a time. She is very concerned about September and being expected to hit the ground running. She had already decided to reduce her hours before her illness but even so she is very worried.
It really helped talking to her because I am just accepting that I too will find it too difficult to hit the ground running.
While saying goodbye to her the front door slammed on me - I was locked out! She wasn't able to help so I knocked on my neighbour's door and asked for help. This is a big achievement for me as I didn't hesitate to ask for help and I would've found that very difficult in the past. My neighbour is taller than both of us so she was able to help. Lucky the back door was open!
After all this excitement I drove to two schools briefly to gain information and picked up my son from school.

Today I had an appointment with Human Resource and my Head. I was allowed to invite a supporter so my sister was there too. The meeting took place in my house, in my sitting room. My dog just slept through it. The meeting lasted two hours as we discussed the plan for my return to work. I had prepared notes about all my proposals and what is important to me. I started off very talkative but did start to feel tired and gradually spoke less. I'm glad my sister was there as she had my best interests at heart and spoke eloquently on my behalf when necessary. The HR lady was a good source of knowledge and suggestions. I was pleased with the outcome of the meeting as there is a clear plan in place with scheduled reviews .
I am now tired.

Pain Management

Well...today I travelled to London and back on my own.
Firstly, I drove my son to school. Then I took the dog for a walk around the block which was about 15 minutes - must get my self something to measure distance or is time more helpful? Hmm.. I'll have to decide.
Then I walked to the station and travelled on the train, and then walked from the station to the hospital. The Pain Management course/group was as helpful and useful as ever. I really need to try and understand how the nervous system works so I can explain it to someone else - that's my test that I have understood something - if I can explain it then I must understand it.
I'm now very tired so I'll finish this post tomorrow...

Busy Day

I've had a busy day and now I'm tired. First I took our dog for a walk for about 20 minutes. Then I went on the bus to town and bought some greeting cards for upcoming birthdays, anniversaries and retirement. Then I had my hair coloured and cut which took 3 hours. After that I went into a big clothes shop and picked out lots of dresses to try on. I bought 4 outfits and my son approves so I'm ready for this sunny weather. I travelled on the bus to home. It seemed like a very long, bumpy ride! I ironed 6 shirts. All very tiring and I had to take extra paracetamol and have a lie down.

I wanted to have my hair done because I am meeting my new class on Wednesday and that's why I felt I wanted some new clothes too. I have now forgotten everything I was going to write....!

Here I am!

I didn't realise I hadn't written anything since Thursday! I was working on some of the pages on Friday so that's an achievement. I also had a long conversation with HR which was very reassuring. She knew the laws and procedures involved and assured me that her role is neutral and advisory. I shall wait and see.
I've done quite a few machine wash loads and it's all dry and put away. I've been soaking up the wonderful vitamin D and of course watching the tennis at Wimbledon. Glued to the set! And there's cricket to watch next week as the Ashes starts.
I took the dog out for a walk by myself, we didn't go too far as I had to wait until the weather had cooled down and therefore it was getting late.
Today I drove to see my Mum & Dad. It's about a 20 minute drive. My son came with me so that I wasn't driving alone, plus he wanted to visit them too. On our way home we did a bit of shopping. It was probably a bit too much altogether and I had awful pain for a while. I found that doing my mindful stretching exercises worked to distract me from the pain and also I felt better afterwards. Note to self: even if you don't feel like it - gentle, mindful stretching exercise helps.
I read a few more chapters of my women's springboard book but it wasn't really going in - I need to concentrate on it and do the activities. I think the sun and the work situation were distracting me.
The weekend away with my sister is all booked so that's something to look forward to.
I have a busy week ahead but I'll write about it as it happens. I also have a list of things to do, phone calls to make, places to go. This will be a test of how much I've really recovered and how much I can achieve. And what the effects will be.
I carried a cup in each hand for a few seconds. I sorted out our home insurance and got us a much cheaper deal with a well known company. I've vacuumed a couple of times.
I'm having dizzy spells (pre-syncope) again. I think about the fairground roads I used to have a go on years ago; the spinning ones like the Waltzer car. Hold on tight, we're going for a ride!
I must remember to write every day although it has to fit into my back to work plan so that might have to be reviewed. I'll work out what is feasible...
I'm quite pleased with my new pages and I've given lots of information about CRPS to a friend who thinks her mum might be suffering with it in her feet. She's seen so many specialists and is getting very frustrated; sound familiar? She is negative about taking any medication but so was I two and a half years ago - things change, life changes...

More Positive

Ok. There's stuff going on with my employer and it has been upsetting me. I have sent an email outlining my concerns and I immediately felt a bit better. I have avoided checking my emails because that's what set me off again this morning. I sent a short email yesterday putting forward my suggestion and when there was no response when I checked this morning I got upset. So I'm not going to check my emails until tomorrow morning. Honestly if I received the email I sent (which was quite long and emotional) I would have to make some reply immediately even if it was just an acknowledgement.

Anyway, achievements for today: I took our dog for a 20 minute walk, on my own and as fast as I could walk. I knew my son would be home soon so if I got stuck I would be able to call him to help me, but I didn't need to. Also, I did my 25 minutes mindful stretching exercises and 25 minutes mindful body scan. That made me feel much better this morning.

I've decided that I need to be more determined. I would say I've always been a very determined person and do what I want as long as it's not hurting anyone. Somewhere, at some time, I've lost my determination and focus. I've become an ill person who listens to what everyone says, gets confused and then follows someone's advice. I end up doing things and wondering how on earth I got there. I've stopped doing things because other people have told me to. So, I've made a conscious decision to get it back. I refuse to be defined by CRPS. I need to be me who just happens to have CRPS. I really am learning to be me with special effects.